With hindsight I was more than blind lost without a clue

From the time when I was totally obsessed, coming online everyday and staying logged in, to..........hardly going on at all. I only come on for like 5 minutes to check out a random page and be on my way, so to those I talk to on here, sorry I don't comment much. It seems coursework has taken over my life and won't let go until I'm done with school.

I am seriously, unbelievably scared about A Levels and I'm only three weeks into the GCSE course.

Anyway, back to coursework at 11pm. I wouldn't mind so much if this didn't bring my average sleeping time for the past 3 days down to 6 hours. I am not used to that little in a row.

So I guess this is a half goodbye.

...and I'm already bored to the point where I'm wishing it was still the holidays and I could sit around my house in my PJs on the computer eating food.

Basically, this is what happened: I got up way early so I could still have time to straighten my hair and get out of the house early. You see, there is a race on the first day of school. You have to get there first if you want a locker and the top lockers always go first, then the middle, then the bottom. I ran to the bus stop to catch my bus up to the Tube station and it was 6 minutes late which pissed me off. I also had to go buy some cookies for two of my friends because their birthdays had gone by and everyone likes cookies. The cookies were actually non vegan, so buying them makes me a bad vegan I guess. I saw one of my friends on the way (it was her birthday today) and she stopped me to talk, which probably gave time for about 3 more people to get a good locker. I explained why I was in a hurry and ran off. When I got to school.....I was one of the last people there.

What a waste of time.

Well, at least I worked out that whenever it's someone's birthday I should give them cookies because I'm broke and can't get anything else (except for one of my friends...it looks like favouritism I know, but I wasn't broke when I bought her pressie).

It's weird being in year 10, having classes that don't always have all your friends in them and having classes with people you've never met. I guess you can say there are kind of two sides to my year. The sides don't really talk to each other so don't know names etc. I had Textiles today and about three quarters of the class are people from the other side of the year. I wouldn't mind, but they don't know how to shut up sometimes. Whatever, at least I don't have to sit near them.

That sounded totally bitchy.

We also got a completely new English class and teacher. They've changed the way they write the class names and so the teacher's name comes out as J-Lo. For some reason, I found that really funny. The whole of lunch was pretty much non stop laughs which is what I love about being back at school with my friends. The year 7s are really cute too, asking where classrooms are. To be honest, nobody knows because they changed the names of the all the classrooms...useful eh?

Journey home was pretty relaxed. I borrowed my friend's copy of Twilight, but I don't think I'll read it. My English class have enough work having to read Jane Eyre =/

Pointless journal, but what can I say? I'm way bored.

Oh yeah and I'm getting a counsellor soon, when my mum gets the phone call and gives her permission. I'm starting to think this isn't a good idea. I don't even know the person.

Much love to those who read it,
xx

Takeitupthea-

Um I mean, kick-ass.

Seriously.

Just thought I'd mention it.

Oh, and HAI, looks like they're from England.

Is that the sound of world domination ringing in my ears?

4 months, 4 shows, I CANNOT wait! I think I'm gonna end up spending all the money I get for my birthday on these because I am yet to get tickets, so they better not run out before September 7th!! =/

If all goes well (and I will do whatever it takes to get these tickets, as long as it's not degrading) I will be seeing the following:

Aiden, 4th Oct at Islington Academy (Which is near ANGEL station, thanks for pointing that out Ela haha)

The Blackout, 10th Oct at London Astoria (This is well deserved after what happened last time when the Underground swallowed my first ticket and my sister lost the second)

William Control, 3rd Nov at Camden Underworld (From the sound of "Taste", this may be a darker version of Cobra Starship. I'm in)

BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE (with Lacuna Coil), 15th Nov at Alexandra Palace (You do not know how long I have been waiting to see them.)


It has come to my attention that every one of these venues are either in North London or very close to it. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO BRIXTON ACADEMY!?!?? That's one bus for me, not all this stupid "take the Tube that likes to trap people in its doors" business!

I am not amused.

Wish me luuuuuuuuuuuck!!

Um, someone might have already said this, but...........WHY CAN YOU ONLY PICK AUDREY KITCHING AND HANNA BETH!?!? I thought it would be you know like The Sims games where you can pick like messy/neat or something....

-.-'

Today, 8 days after the T4 on the Beach festival started, it has been reported that a fire burned out the whole pier in Weston Super-Mare, leaving only the frame intact. Now, I wouldn't really care because no offence, but I don't live anywhere near there so it wouldn't affect me, but I WANTED TO GO TO THE FESTIVAL NEXT YEAR!!! I wanted to go somewhere that I'd have to travel long (by coach of course, I love coach journeys) and this one seemed perfect because I expected as good a line up as there has been this year (The Hoosiers, The Feeling, The Black Kids, Basshunter and Scouting For Girls to name some of my favourites).

Maybe it will still happen there, I dont know, but if it is, I think its likely there will be no pier with an arcade to waste money on. Hmm, maybe thats a good thing.

For those who haven't seen pictures, here's what the scene looked like earlier today:






To read the full story, go to http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2008/jul/28/firefighters

For those who didnt follow the festival (WHY NOT!?!?) go check it out at http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/t4/microsites/O/onthebeach/artists08/index.html

Heres hoping there wont be a fire in Donington Park next. Thats if I get to go to Download. Im working on it.

...yesterday's show at Islington Bar Academy was.......interesting. I do see a trend happening here though. These same things happened at the Brief show. The first band is good, but the last two bands are definitely better. I only ever know one band that I go to see, but they don't impress me like I think they will.

Anyway, overall the concert was good. Except for one band. Their sound was good, but they were let down by their lead singer who suddenly decided burlesque is what sells records. You should have seen how the floor filled up as soon as they came on because the singer came out in PVC hotpants, hooker boots (you know those ones that reach the thighs -.-') and a corset. Ela and I both agreed that it was painful to watch and unfortunately we were at the front. And she was pointing in our direction when singing. I was well happy when a tall guy and girl eventually stood in front of me.

The second to last band were really cool, they connected with the audience and sounded good. I need to check out their name though. And they spilled their water all over the stage and decided to let it carry on spilling. Hmm. The last band did that same thing. They really surprised me actually because two of them were wearing a suit jacket and jeans. If it was a blazer, I might have understood, but no. Yeah, so, I thought they were gonna be old and boring coz they looked like they were in their 30's but they popped out some good tunes and did a rap metal style. Sort of like Linkin Park but metal and faster rapping. 'Twas awesome. I need to check out their name too. Gonna do that now actually.

...and damn, how that took me back! My mum must have been an Abba fan or something because somehow I recognised every single song and sang along xD it's kind of like High School Musical (which I HAVEN'T watched, believe me) in the way that they burst into song too many times to remember. So anyway, I will be searching them on iTunes and downloading their albums haha. If you haven't seen the Mamma Mia! film yet, then you really should, it has a lot of funny parts, especially the end. Here is some advice...DO NOT LEAVE WHEN THE CREDITS START ROLLING!!! It's like Hancock (which I haven't watched but have heard about), the show does not end at the credits.

I think I wanna see the musical version of it too now =]


On another note, I am CONSIDERING writing a fanfiction, but I don't know who it will be about yet, or if I'm gonna do it at all. I just have a lot of time this summer and it will probably be pretty amateur-ish as I haven't written a long story since year 7 (that will be about 2 1/2 years ago). So if you have any ideas, help me out......send them my way.

X

I have just realised that The Auteur gig on Saturday in 16+. What the buck.

I'm gonna go anyway, hopefully they won't ask me for ID (even though they said bring some. So they expect everyone to bring their passports/birth certs to a GIG? Hahaha.)

I can't take an oyster card either because mine says 14-15 and my sister's one says U16 (And she's sixteen the day after the gig. Grrr.). Plus, they probably wouldn't accept oyster cards anyway, lol.

Damn, being 14 isn't as fun as I thought it's be. I did not sign up for this crap on my birthday.

     I finally got round to buying guitar strings and fixing my electric guitar that I love (and that's had a broken string for at least 4 months). Now that was a learning curve. To be honest, to all those things on the internet saying "Oh, fixing a guitar string, it's uber easy, all you have to do is..." NO. It's NOT easy, especially when it's not explained properly and you give the wrong information!!!!!!!! (I just had serious rage writing the previous sentence, in case it didn't show)
   
    Jeez, if you're gonna help someone, do it right at least. Anyway, although it took 4 frustrating hours of my time (seeing as I started out all wrong and thought I had broken my guitar beyond repair), it feels so good knowing that next time I break a string (or a friend does) and they have a Fender, I'll know what to do. Smiles all round lol.
   
    What I do know now has nothing to do with my guitar. I learnt yesterday that I give up too easily. At least ten or so times during my "fixing", I just wanted to stop, rip my guitar to pieces, eat some Bourbons and cry myself to sleep. Very random, how I got so upset over a guitar (and wanted to eat dark chocolate biscuits), but whatever.

    I'm starting to really get back into FFTL (From First To Last, that is). I haven't listened to them for well, 2 years at least. I mean, the last album I heard from them was Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Has a Body Count and they've had two more albums since then. I still haven't listened to the new stuff, but it should be interesting, what with the line up change since then (Sonny Moore is no longer in the band, so no more high vocals I'm guessing).

    Speaking of getting back into bands, I've realised I didn't get over Aiden and have found myself sneaking listens to them over the past week. I have resolved to listen to them (because to be honest, their music is still amazing in my eyes). My second resolution is to ignore bands themselves, only concentrating on the music itself. Some of my friends will know I get......carried away with certain band members (wiL Francis, Brendon Urie, Ian Watkins, Bert McCracken, Adam Lazzara etc.) and I can't be bothered with obsessing over band members. Especially when people (one person in particular) mock their names (wiL Fuckhead, Brendon Urine, Bert McCrackhead, yes I know, awful)

    I'm doing something right. Some will know that I've stopped doing something that was a stupid idea in the first place and it's lasted for about a month now. Sometimes I get really stressed out and just imagine having one, but my current lack of money is probably helping my case. For once I'm actually happy to be broke, haha.

Well, I'm off on a mission to learn how to play Minuet by FFTL now.

I've never been good at voicing my opinion on anything, whether I like it or loathe it. I've always felt that the best...well, the easiest way to get through life was to do what others want, when they want, no matter what I want. I've always felt I should just go along with things for acceptance, just do what others do, say what others are thinking after they've already said it. Just basically agree with two sides of a story when I'm realy biased to one, or none. Years of that has messed up my mind, I don't think I really think for myself anymore. "Oh please think for yourself Immz" is a reminder to myself, one I look at but never follow. Today I'm gonna try and break that habit. Less sitting on the fence, more creating my own standards, thoughts and actions. From today, I'm gonna try and listen to the music that I like, wear the clothes that I want to wear, speak in my own fucking accent (Yes, I'm from London, no, it doesn't mean I need to have the accent) and colour my sentences with whatever profanities I feel like. I'm gonna SAY what I think. No more suppressing my thoughts. I could add that I won't care what anybody else thinks, but that would be the worst lie and biggest hypocrisy of my life. So that's it. I just hope now that I can stick to it.

Oh and goal number two: Stop smoking. As above, I already said I care about what some people think. Some have influenced my lives and what they say does mean something to me, even if I refuse to agree. I know most of them don't know I smoke (only 4 of them know) but whenever they see someone smoking or we have conversations about it, they say how disgusting they think it is. When I think about it, as much as it calms me down, I guess it isn't nice. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm an impressionable person, even though I know which crowds are wrong and which are good for me. If they say it's not nice and I don't think it's very nice, I'll stop. It shouldn't be too hard.......I've only smoked for about a year and a half. At least, I hope it's not too hard. Wish me luck and have a nice day.

=]

..that I don't want help anymore. Really, if I did get help, then I would be so angry with myself for net getting to where I wanna be. I dunno how to explain it, but yeah. If I still need help when I get to that point (if I ever do get there) then I'll seek it. It's just something I can't live with, but can't live without. Uh, well, whatever, yeah, typing it out makes me feel better.

There's a problem I've had for ages. When I think about it, I've had it since I was 11. That doesn't seem like a long time seeing as I'm only 15 this year, but it has been so long for me. So long with no one knowing but myself. One passing comment and almost 5 years of my life. I even remember getting upset because someone called me something that was true when we were arguing or something like that because I guess it was something I denied. I've denied it for so long and with all my other problems piled on top, it hasn't been good. I really want to get help but I don't know how to tell anyone. Except Ela. She's the only person I told and I was even scared to do that. I had to lie to tell her the truth and I have no idea how I'll ever be able to tell anyone else. This is so fucking difficult. So many crazy ideas, none of them working. Only making things worse. Argh. Self help doesn't work, it really doesn't. I guess I don't even look like I need help, so I'm stuck. It didn't help, teling one person, not like I thought it would. But thank you for listening anyway Ela.

Of course, anyone can have a go if you like!

My answers for immz

   sara wrote that on my hand with my eyeliner!!! look im in starbucks :)  I think this make cool identical tattoos ... i just need to find out what it says haha!

 like this one ?

For some reason, I am surrounded by depressed people. There are at least 4 people in my life right now that are depressed but don't want to talk about it. I am fine with that, but I don't know how to help. I'm no fucking therapist, but you know, I WOULD like to help them feel better. I don't know, everything is so fucked up. A lot of people are stressed out about different things, and when you're surrounded by upset people long enough, that depressive vibe passes to you. I have vowed to myself that I will not  regress. Meditation is the key, and uh...cigarettes. I will stop. One day. Not today. (Now I hope a teacher doesn't read this.)

Anyway, I think that the main thing for me to do right now is to just to spread as much fucking optimism as my brain could possibly muster. Yeah, maybe that will help. Though I'm not so sure. It didn't help me when people were being so happy around me. I can't even remember how I helped myself. Come to think of it, it was probably the huge amount of music I would listen to day after day that sorted me out...almost. Four bands in particular. Okay, whatever. I'm done writing.

Oh, exams all this week. Wish me luck.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(Do YOU want my love?)

Okay, I'm starting to get annoyed now. Whenever I leave a note on someone else's page, it says that I'm writing "Have some pork and beans!" Is that normal? Maybe. Does that piss me off? Yes. I'm a vegan for fuck's sake. I don't want dead pig. So is it meant to be doing that, or do I have a virus on my computer? Anyone know? If you do, tell me soon so my computer doesn't die please.

Meanwhile, I guess this is goodbye fellow Buzznetters :(
....at least for now. I'm going to be really busy with exams and other stuff like that (I go back to school tomorrow) so I'll probably be away from my computer and Buzznet unless it's to check my above question replies or to buy songs from iTunes. So bye, I'll probably be back a little on weekends.... at least for the next few weeks.

Oh, and I just wanted to rant about something that really irritates me. Jealousy. I mean, WTF? There's a certain girl on a certain site who is being bitchy to a certain friend of mine over an encounter with a certain band named Aiden. If this bitchy girl ever reads this, I have a question for you - WHAT IS YOUR DEAL!? I cannot STAND teenies. I really can't. They irritate me to the max. Some of them are fucking groupie wannabes. I even saw about five girls (who couldn't be older than 15) wearing a bra and either skirts or jeans at the concert I went to a couple weeks ago. It's just, EW. They got into trouble with the security at the end of the concert which I thought was great. Muahahahaha. Can't these idiots get a life? I mean come on, do you really think Kill Hannah or Aiden are interested in seeing a little topless teenage girl when half of them probably have girlfriends??? HA. If you do, then you really do need to go back to school. And, for this stupid jealous bitch who is being mean to my friend, it's six against one. Drop it.

Bye guys.
XO

I was just watching TV *gasp* (I hardly ever watch TV unless it's news or comedy) and the presenters for the show I was watching were saying that today is the British queen's birthday. I chuckled to myself (yes I'm strange like that) because for some reason, she seems to have like 3 birthdays or something. I don't see the point of it, but anyway, she still does. So technically, she should be like 246 years old or something.

Anyway, I thought, "Hmm, let me go Google her and see when her real birthday is" (it IS today by the way) and I realised she had a wikipedia page! Haha, I didn't know that royalty get a wikipedia, I thought it was just for people in the entertainment industry and other companies (I wouldn't even know THAT if I hadn't done a project involving Vans). Shows how little I know, huh?

So, I think that if someone who hardly does anything but walk around, wave at people and make an appearance in various other countries (again, doing nothing in them) can get a wikipedia page, I should have one. I mean, I probably do more than that. I actually SPEAK much, for one, I hate waving at people unless I'm trying to annoy them and well, I'm not posh. Not that I have anything against posh people, it's just a few of them who are quite pompous (lol, that's the first time I've ever used that word) that really get on my nerves.

But anyway, back to the queen:

Happy 250th birthday, dude (Oh no wait, I mean, "Your Majesty")!

I don't know why, but whenever things are going bad for me or I'm just feeling down for almost no reason, I just think of the year 2018 and say to myself that things will be better by then. It's really strange, I just say, "In 2018, I'll be 24 and I won't have any of these problems I'm having now." Does anyone else get that?

Moving on, does anyone else get that thing where you think about someone so much that almost every second is spent thinking of them, even when  you're dreaming and you feel like you're some sort of crazy stalker type? It's really weird, because the person probably has no idea I'm thinking of them. They don't even live near me so they probably aren't thinking of me.

Argh, I have so much I want to say, but when it comes to typing it out, I just go blank. Like a writer's block. Except the story is my life so I shouldn't feel so lost on the subject. Oh well.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually can't wait to get back to school in 5 days. I only have 2 days of school next week, but I'm looking forward to the routine, rather than the work involved. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends too, I guess. Even without these reasons, I'm eager to get back because I was stupid enough to leave my acoustic guitar at school for the whole 2 weeks. I tried going to school during this holiday but the music room was locked and I was too tired from the Aiden concert to look for anyone with a key. So right now, I'm stuck with my electric that I broke the top string on from overtuning. I also can't play my electric because I live in a house surrounded by other houses with babies and young children. It sucks like hell, trust me. So I'm here, spending almost every minute of my time reading, buzzing and commenting, right here in my new found favourite place, Buzznet. At least I know I'm not the only Buzznet stalker, because this site is pretty addictive. Hell, it's TOO addictive. But whatever.

Yeah so that's it. That's all I wanted to say.

Okay, this is kind of late because this was 3 days ago (Wednesday 9th April 2008), but I went with my friend Saffy and her mum to see Aiden and supporting bands Serpico and Kill Hannah at London's Astoria on Tottenham Court Road. I know I've only been to two shows so far, so I'm probably not the best judge, but that show was fucking amazing. I honestly can't believe how good it was, because, well, I never thought a show could be that good.

Well first, Saffy and I went early to the venue (3:30pm) because we wanted to be near the front of the line, so we could get a place at the front on the barriers. When we got there however, the line was already halfway down the side of the building; people had come really early (we even know of a group of people who came at 8:30am). That was okay I guess, but we were hoping to be closer.

You could tell that there was a real buzz in the line, everyone was so excited to be there and no one minded the wait. It was pretty cool because Mikey (from Serpico) was walking up and down handing out stuff. Anyway, Saffy and I were just listening to Aiden on her phone and my iPod for a while and we started trying to annoy the people on top of a building opposite by constantly waving at them.

There was also a group of people there who we had met on the Sunday before the concert who follow Aiden on tour and go to all their shows across the world. I thought that's cool but it must be very tiring also. Anyway, they told us on Sunday about how people are always bitchy to them just because they go to all the Aiden concerts which I thought was so mean and jealous. I don't understand some people, sometimes.

So, the doors finally opened at about 5 past 7pm and we rushed in. I was kind of worried because I had my nail polish in my bag and I didn't know if they thought I would set fire to it or something (I know, I think crazy like that) but we got in and on the left side by the barrier. I thought Serpico's set was good and everyone was pretty much jumping like crazy. I almost got dragged into the mosh pit but luckily I didn't because I didn't want to lose my space. By the time Kill Hannah came on, I was already tired. I couldn't find Saffy but apparently she had gone to the back because she passed out. Again, Kill Hannah's set was really good and I'm surprised I liked it so much, seeing as I had only heard three of their songs, "Kennedy", "10 More Minutes" and "Lips Like Morphine".

Finally, it was the band we were all waiting for - Aiden. They came on and everybody screamed and threw their arms in the air. By now, I was on the middle part of the barrier (somehow I had been pushed into a good spot!) so I was happy. They went through some of their songs, including "The Opening Departure", "She Will Love You", "Teenage Queen", "Hurt Me" and "Moment" from the Conviction album. Everyone kept going through every song. I guess no one wanted to collapse during their set because it really couldn't be missed. I remember "Die Romantic" came up at some point and I think "The Last Sunrise" came up (both from the Nightmare Anatomy album), but I can't remember (I really should have written this on Thursday). I do remember hearing "I Set My Friends on Fire" from the Our Gang's Dark Oath album. wiL came into the crowd at least twice, but I was a bit too far away to film it on my phone properly. The band came off the stage and we all started chanting their name so that they would come back. wiL came back on and played us an acoustic by The Smiths and we all sang along. The band then came back on and "One Love" came up at some point. We all had to duck down and come back up at the chorus. I didn't really want to because I was kind of dizzy, but I wasn't going to spoil it. Finally, they played "World By Storm" for us (not the acoustic part or the piano part) and we all started singng it with them. I really didn't want that show to end, but unfortunately it did. wiL threw his shirt into the crowd, but I was nowhere near close to catch it. Jake D threw his drumsticks also and I was like, 2 people away from catching them. Gutted. Oh well, at least I finally got an Aiden hoodie.

At the end, outside, Kill Hannah came out from the back and everyone rushed to take photos. I got a good picture of Jonny, but I don't know how to get it onto the computer from my phone, so it kind of sucks. I saw Nick run past me with his suitcase and I think his girlfriend so I didn't get a chance to stop him in time and get a photo with him. Saffy's mum saw that Aiden came out from the front, so we ran round the building and wiL, Angel and Jake D were there. Apparently Jake W had already left. Anyway, we took photos with wiL and he actually remembered us from Sunday, which I was kind of surprised about. We also took photos with Angel and Jake D (but I don't think they remembered us - grrr.). At least Rick bothered to remember us aswell.

Eventually (and I mean eventually - we were there for ages), we went home and the Tube station was closed so we took the bus and walked a lot.

Overall, I would say that show was... spectacular. I would give it 12 out of 10.